In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Helpless.”
So I’m coming home from work on Thursday night. It’s been a hard week as I’ve been covering for my friend, Mona, who took some time to go help her son set up his new house. (How exciting!) But I’m wiped out! Yeah, the extra money helps. I love helping my friends when something comes up. I know they’d do the same for me, and they did when I had to go take care of my sister and when my dad passed. So I am thankful that they ask me to help because I want them to know that they can count on me and because I can use the money, definitely. But after work on Thursday, something just let go in my brain.
Yes, I work for Weight Watchers. But after the meeting that night I had had enough of Weight Watchers and all I could think of was sitting in the big, comfy chair in the bedroom watching the last few episodes of “Bachelor in Paradise” with my bag of Chee-tos, my Pepperidge Farm Sausalito cookies, and a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&M’s. So I took a side trip to the grocery and pulled up as close as I could get to the door. I got out of my car, and looked down as I walked with such purpose to the building.
“I could say I’m shopping for a party or for the kids.. the kids eat junk all the time…”
What am I doing, you ask? I’m going over the scenario of what I would say if I saw one of the members from one of the meetings I lead in the grocery store, which I often do. Most of the time I just throw the kids under the bus, because kids just don’t know any better!! (yikes) Oh and I do?? Well maybe not. Oh, ok, whatever!! So I walk-sprint my way to the crunchy snacks, snatch the Chee-tos, saché on over to the cookie aisle and grab the cookies, and sidle on over to the candy aisle for those dark chocolate beauties! Sounds like I’ve done this before, huh? Yeah I have. Do I have a problem? Yeah, I do, sometimes more than others. So how do I lose control? How does it get to this point? What makes me feel so helpless sometimes?
After the show, I’m sweating because my body has taken in so many calories that it’s basically in shock. I can’t find a comfortable position to sit in anymore because I’m so swollen with junk food that I feel like I’m going to pop. Did I eat all of it? No. Did I even come close? No. Is this an improvement compared to what I did before I lost my weight? Hell, yes! It’s all relative. Every now and then I do feel myself lose control and my resolve to stay on my healthy eating schedule goes straight out the window. Does that mean I’ve become helpless from this point on? Am I really helpless, a victim to the food that somehow found it’s way into my body? The thing to remember… I put the cookie to my mouth and took the bite. I decided to eat 2 M&M’s at once for strictly symmetrical reasons and I got myself a napkin (ok, a few napkins) to get the orange dust off of my fingers so I wouldn’t mark the walls of the bedroom. I made these calculated decisions. It only feels like we’re helpless. When are we truly helpless? Not sure. I think we have a lot more control over what we do than we would like to admit. If we weren’t so helpless, then we’d have no excuse for not doing or doing the things that we promise we won’t or will do. Gosh. I better get back on my plan. All of this thinking makes me hungry! Taco soup anyone!!??